SUPER AWESOME CAFE ADVENTURES!
by BIRDZILLA
Summary: the strangest cafe in existance.. or at least that is what Mika, Char and Jazz think...What will hapen? who will survive? or who will get dragged away by their ex girfriends screaming?
1. Introduction

**BIRDZILLA: **right-o, this is my first fanfic, and this story is just a bit of a muck around, because at first I only made this as a small gossip story, but I then have interwoven many sub-plots, so tell me if this is any good at all oh and I disclaim any ownership on any characters except Char, Jazz and Mika! I hope you all enjoy the story!

**Chapter one! Super Awesome Café adventures! **

**HI! My name is Mika!**

**I work in an awesome café called the **_**crazy coffee bean**_** and we get ALL types of customers around here, truly it's insane. I mean honestly the amount of fires I have to put out on a daily basis is stupid, not to mention stopping all the fights that go on in between. **

**This is a small diary on the crazy things that go on (not including me) oh and this will be in third person so, yeah! I'M NOT CRAZY!**

_**DAY ONE, special of the day; stew**_

Morning around nine o'clock.

Mika, a gangly brown haired teen with nothing better to do in her spare time is sitting behind the counter looking around, already bored of sticking spit balls to the ceiling with what was supposed to be the customer's straws.

_Gah… maybe it would have been better if I had taken up a normal job that actually got customers….but then again…. I would have died from the normality of that job….. This one is a little too exciting though, there has been many times when I have almost died…_

It was one of those typical boring mornings where you are the first one to work, when there are no customers and because your two co-workers know that they don't show up until later, you are alone, but you, being the goody-two-shoes come right on time, and so just like the looser you feel like, you are employer of the month, _every month. _But of course this is just how Mika feels, so if any others feel differently, then whatever.

Then the door bell tinkered as a person walked in.

'AH! A customer!' Mika said jumping up, looking towards the door where the red head had come from; and she paled when she saw who was. He was the very last person she wanted to see, along with Gluttony and a few others whom she could name.

'Hello, my name is Garra of the village hidden in the sand. I see that there is an advertisement in the front window for employees, I'd like to apply.'

'H-ha, U-uhh what advertisement, you **must** be joking?' Mika says laughing nervously rubbing the back of her head; hopefully this was a really bad joke on his behalf

'This one.' Garra says holding it up

'Crap.'

'I'm broke and I want a job!' he growled menacingly glaring at her while she sank lower and lower into her seat. Petrified was not going to explain how she felt at the moment, it wouldn't even cover just how scared she felt right now.

'Okay, okay! See my boss in the room behind the kitchen.' She said weakly holding her hands up in front of her in defense.

As soon as Garra was gone she started to rock backwards and forwards her left eye twitching.

'It's okay, he won't let Garra come and work here will he? No he wont, defiantly not, he won't he won't he won't….'

'Well I see that someone has hit their withdrawal already this morning!' a cheerful voice cut in from the front of the door. It was her midget of a best friend Jazz

'AHH! Jazz! It's terrible! So, so terrible!' Mika said jumping forward and clutching at the hem at her co-workers apron.

'What's terrible?' she asked frowning

'Garra came to apply for a job!' Jazz dropped her bag

'Wholly shit! You mean Garra, THE Garra?'

'Hey! Worker girl!'

Slowly Mika turned her head in the direction of Garra her left eye twitching again, it was becoming a habit of hers every time she went into a panic fit

'I'm now your co-worker, I was ordered to get to know the rest of the staff.'

'I can see my life flashing before my eyes now….. Must go and insure it……' Mika said in a daze walking off diagonally towards the counter, while jazz fainted her spirit leaving her screaming

Then the door bell went off again, and all three turned around to see Charlotte walk in,

She stopped and looked from Garra to Jazz(who was lying on the ground) to Mika (who looked like she'd see a ghost) and back to Garra again, who was holding his apron and staring at her.

'What the hell?' she asked raising an eye brow, Char was one of those people whom you never messed with, she may not look like it but those thin arms contained strong muscles, and she was one hell of a fast runner, but she was just a lazy person with a sadistic and cynical mind set, and if she was angry with you- you'd begin running, or else you'd be black and blue before you could say, "I'm Joking!"

Since Jazz and Mika seemed incapable of replying she turned to Garra

'You, guy who looks like a homicidal murder, what's going on?' She was also a very frank and in-your-face kind of person

'I am a new worker at this café; I'm Garra by the way, Garra from the village hidden in the sand.'

'Why hello, Garra of the sand.' She said evenly shaking hands with him, booth have placid faces while Jazz and Mika looked like it was the end of the world.

'Garra, I'd like to introduce you to Jazz, who is the cook and Mika who serves at the counter. I am Charlotte, I'm the waitress.'

'Hmm, this is just my luck, I'm a waitress too.'

'I think Garra, that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.'

'Indeed.' Jazz and Mika stood in the corner, booth of their eyes twitching, and the same thing running through their minds.

"_This can't be good." _

--

The rest of the day was proceeding with enough normalness as possible, even though Mika and Jazz were still a little jittery concerning their new co-worker. That had caused a couple of overturned plates and one tantrum. But as it was lunch time the busiest time of the day, they really didn't have time to be contemplating on what Garra just might do.

'For the last time Inuyasha! Weapons are not allowed in here! So put your friggen sword over in the basket, or so help me I'll call Kagome!'

'No way! You don't have to bring _her_ into this!' he shouted back

'I can and I will, I have her number on speed dial!' the amount of times she had this argument with him….. Gah! It made her want to gouge his eyes out!

'Now now Inuyasha, listen to the lovely lady and just do as you're told.' Miroku said in a soothing tone giving Mika a sly smile

'And you- don't you dare start- or I'll kick you out on your ass and **then** I'll call Sango!' she said glaring holes in him, waving her sharply sharpened pencil in the air like one would a club.

'Ahhh, so harsh!' he complained sadly while she just rolled her eyes

'Now are you two done acting like you're three? Can you please order because incase you haven't noticed you're holding up a rather busy line!' she snapped angrily, stupid violence loving dolts!

'Okay, okay,' Inuyasha snapped back, 'two servings of two minute noodles, one beef one chicken!'

'Right-o! Table nine!' she said sliding a number towards them and then turned and slapped the order on the open desk behind her that connected the counter to the kitchen where Jazz was cooking like mad.

'Another two orders come through!' Mika bellowed, then turned to the next customer

'Hey Mika! Can I order another bowl of stew?' Asked Edward cheerfully, Ed now was one of her favorite customers, but after dealing with someone like Inuyasha….

'What the hell man? Where do you pack that shit? That's your sixth bowl!' Ed's eating habits never failed to stun her, it was almost inhuman…..

'Can I just have another serving?' he said with a sigh

'What-ever, table seven right?'

'Correct!'

'OI, Jazz another serving on the stew for Ed kay?!' there was a sudden noise of crashing metal pots and pans followed by several loud curses, before Jazz's rather annoyed head poked out,

Oh jeez, Mika thought, here she goes…

'This is the LAST dish of stew you are getting you hear me! Christ!' and she withdrew her head muttering curses the whole way

Then somewhere down the line someone shouted loudly-

'Will ya move it already bean sprout? We're all hungry here ya know!'

'Shit-'

'WHO YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT YOU CAN ONLY SEE HIM THROUGH A MAGNIFYING GLASS!!???'

'! 'She cried looking for her in the crowd; she was the only one capable of controlling customers when they started fights

She came up surprisingly quicker that she'd seen before and grabbed Ed by his ear and proceeded to drag the ranting boy away to his seat in record time before he could cause too much damage.

Mika sighed and rubbed her temples before getting back too work.

Meanwhile Charlotte and Garra were busy serving people and clearing tables (not to mention keeping hot-headed people under control, which wasn't too hard for Garra considering how intimidating he is) and just as was mentioned before, Jazz was cooking like the devil was chasing her around the kitchen, while her expression suggested that she was ready to kill the first customer that would come and complain about her food.

That poor individual was Haru Soma.

'There is a fly in my stew and its stone cold.' he said in a monotone voice staring ahead at Mika, slightly creeping her out, not many people stared at others like that…. But it was better than talking to Black Haru at any rate….

Mika didn't even have to call for Jazz, she could hear people complaining about her food a million miles away, and at peek hour, she wasn't the easiest person to get on with, which was funny, because if you'd try to wake her up, you'd need an air horn…

'IF THERE IS A FRIGGEN FLY IN IT I"D SAY THAT THAT IS YOU"RE OWN DAMMEND FAULT! AND AS FOR BEEING STONE COLD, EAT IT FASTER NEXT TIME!' she shrieked from with in the kitchen shoving another bowl of stew on to the bench that separated her from Mika and disappearing again within the labyrinth of pots and pans banging and crashing as she went, Mika was glad she didn't start throwing instruments from the kitchen this time round, last time she almost killed the customer

'Err, here Haru, and if you're going to complain again, try not to do it during peak hour- you know how she gets.' Mika said glancing nervously behind her, hoping that Jazz wouldn't crack and actually set the place on fire like last time.

**Later that afternoon……….**

About now there was only a few stragglers left behind after the lunch rush. So now Jazz and Mika weren't doing very much work, talking actually.

'Do you think he'll try anything funny?' asked Jazz in hushed tones

'It's hard to know, but judging from the looks he gives us, and the way Charlotte seems to be completely at home around him; something is going to happen, and Char ain't gonna do a damn thing about it.' And that was Char's problem, she'd never lift a finger, unless it suited her purposes, and they both knew that she was a hard core fan of Garra's work

'She'll probably help him.' Jazz said her tone grim

Booth girls lapsed into silence thinking of what the future of that formidable alliance will bring.

'Worker girl'

'Eeep!' Mika jumped a mile in the air

'Damnit Garra! Don't sneak up on me like that!' she gasped holding her hand over her heart

'Mop. Now.'

'What! That's your job!' she argued, Mika hated the cleaning job that was why she applied for the desk job

Garras' aura darkened straight away, and he held the mop out and continued in threatening tones-

'You will do the mopping…. or else………'

'O-okay-y' whimpered Mika shaking slightly taking the mop out of his grasp and slowly backing away into the kitchen

Garra then turned his eyes to Jazz, but she was no-longer there; she was hiding somewhere in the kitchen.

Mika stopped mopping for a second and looked around her to see if Garra was watching her

_Maybe if I leave now he'll not notice….._

He was, and she let out a noise that sounded like someone had trodden on a mouse, and she went back to mopping really fast. It just wasn't fair that he was using his evil aurora and reputation to do this….

As Mika mopped she could hear Char laughing, which kind of set the sense of forbidding in cement. From now on they'd have to watch their backs.

**BirdZilla: **right-o, so remember to be kind to review, and I don't mind flames! THEY MAKE ME STRONGER!

**Charlotte: **no, when you get them you spend the night hiding in your room eating a bucket of icream

**BirdZilla: **Don't listen to her! SHE LIES!!!! she's just crazy….(edges away slowly, as char glowers at her, then Mika runs past screaming with Garra in full purist)

**Mika: **I'M TO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Jazz: **hey wait up! I can't run that fast!

**Mika: **what are you doing!? HELP ME!

**Jazz: **(stops and puts her hands on her hips) what do you want me to do? Fire my sling shot at him?

**BirdZilla: **Ahem, so don't forget to review, and you get cyber cookies!!!


	2. Plans

**BirdZilla: **okay, second ch here, and I so far only have two reviews….T-T (crouches in the corner of room drawing circles in the dust)

**Jazz: **oh cheer up! You got something!(from me….)

**Char:** yeah, from me too…

**Mika: **that wasyou two? O.o…. And you Char go and tell her that she needs to send it to you for spelling correction? That's a little harsh… (Whispers) you know she can't spell to save her life, but you don't have to point it out to everyone like that!

**Char: **I do what I do, and unless you want me to unleash the fury of Garra on you…

**Jazz and Mika:** we understand!

**Jazz:** by the way Mika, how did you escape from Garra last ch?

**Mika:** without your help, that's how! (Glares at jazz)Nah…. Just set up a duct-tape trap, worked like a charm… corse' he escaped later, but I bought some time, I wonder where he is now….?

**BirdZilla: **all right! That is enough! We shall push on with the next chapter!

_**Day two, special of the day; lasagna **_

As usual Mika was the first to show up (again feeling rather like a goody-two-shoes) followed by Jazz then Char and then Garra.

The Sunday morning was quite as the only customer was Lelouch who was sitting in the back corner of the café reading a book, completely un-aware that Jazz and Mika were drinking in the site of one of the rare hot guy appearances in the _crazy coffee bean. _

To be fare, there were some other hot guys… but a lot of them turned out to be dirty scum, and womanizers, flirts, and generally people they despised who had created some kind of damage to them, and the shop.

'Ohh, isn't he so cute!' sighed Jazz her right hand cupping her face, while the other supported her on the desk

'Yeah, but it's a total pity he's a bent on getting revenge, it's the same here all the time when it comes to hot guys' Mika said her tone almost depressed, this was one topic that was usually perused on Sunday mornings, and it hardly ever ended well, depending which one got in first

'Yeah, not only that but there is always a leading or shadow female character that is totally got claim over them.' Jazz said bitterly, this topic drove Char mad, but this time she was too far away to hear what they were saying, so Mika and Jazz thought it safe to peruse it in their boredom

'Mmm, Alphonse Elric has no claim over him…' Mika said with a sly smile, Al was her soft spot, because he was sooooo cute! Just like a kitten, and she just wanted to hug him! Which she almost did one day when he had so modestly come up to the front desk to apologize for the Mickey-Fit his brother threw, amour or no amour! He was adorable no matter what!

'Ugh, you've got it bad don't you?' Jazz said rolling her eyes

The door-bell jingled and the two girls turned to the newly arrived person

'Talking about good looking guys and their faults- here comes Mister Womanizer.' Muttered Mika to Jazz who nodded fiercely before leaving for the kitchen as Roy Mustang approached the desk

'Gloves- tray.' She instructed straightening up

'Of course.' He said with that trade mark smirk of his as he placed his ignition cloth gloves in the tray marked "Weapons"

'What would you like to order?' Mika asked flatly, feeling everyone's eyes on her in the room (except for Lelouch, that book must be really interesting)

'Come now, cheer up it's a beautiful day!' he said flashing his award winning smile at her, which just made her madder, what the hell was his problem? Stooping so low as to hit on a girl who was underage, Ugh! What a cradle snatcher! Yuck!

'I honestly don't know who to put at the top of my most annoying list of freaking flirts, you Miroku or Shigure. Now order or get out!' she had almost reached her limit with people like him!

'Heh, Eggs Benedict thanks.' he said with a charming smile taking the number off her and gliding off to a seat

'At least he's got class unlike those bumbling buffoons.' She muttered, thinking of Miroku and the like, passing the order to Jazz.

'Ya know what? We should teach him a lesson.' Jazz muttered, glaring in his direction while he flashed a smile

'What are we gonna do? It's not like we have the devious brain of Edward, who might I add, would love to be in on this.' There had been many times where she and other customers had teamed up to strike back at those that had caused them pain, it usually ended in some carnage, so the boss had asked them to not go over the top next time. which was weird, cuz' a normal boss would have totally yelled at them, then fired them, and put a restraining order on some people….. But then again, this isn't a normal job…

'I dunno, but it's sickening when we have to watch him flirt all lunch when more female customers arrive, there must be someone one on your contact list that can help?' Mika kept an extensive contact list of regular customers who she used as black mail for most other customers who were being pains-in-the-asses, it worked, because there was a couple of times where she actually followed up on the threat, and eventually word got round to take Mika seriously when she made these threats.

Mika turned around and pulled out a list of all her contacts, which were a good two pages long.

'Hmmm, no, that's too dangerous… no, the boyfriend will _defiantly_ come back to get revenge….No, haven't talked to _him_ since the chili sauce accident…Nah, _she'll _just go overboard….GAH! There's no one here who will help!'

Then the door opened with a bang and in stormed Kyo Soma followed by Tohru and Yuki Soma, mildly distracting Jazz and Mika from the task at hand

'I'm telling ya' she gonna end up killing me one day!' Kyo yelled as he marched towards the desk

'Oh, but I'm sure it's not too bad…' Tohru trailed off while Yuki let out a long sigh

'Just go with her already you stupid cat.' He spat, and all of a sudden the girls knew where this was going, before it even started

'Don't tell me what to do you damned RAT!' Kyo roared back and he charged at Yuki, who didn't move, or rather, didn't have to move, because Charlotte had picked up the broom handle and whacked him in the stomach, sending him flying.

'Hello Tohru, Yuki. Isn't Hanajima coming today?' she asked in pleasant tones ignoring Kyo's mumbling threats and curses as he came crawling back from the other side of the room.

'N-no sorry.' Tohru answered, looking like she was torn between helping Kyo up and answering properly, while Jazz and Mika tried really hard to not burst out laughing

'Well when you see her tell her happy electric waves for me.' She said before she returned to cleaning, this scene was normal, which said a lot about how well they knew their customers

Jazz and Mika observed Gaara watch this ordinary scene, to see if he would have any reaction at all.

Nothing, he just stood there staring out the window with the extra broom in his hand. King of ice. Then he turned around and looked at booth girls dead in the eye, with malice that only Garra could supply

Quickly booth girls looked away, whistling nervously, they did not want to provoke his bullying force today, they had had enough of doing his cleaning chores over the week that he had been here

'Hey! Can I get come serves over here?' shouted an angsty Kyo

'Alright, alright! I'm coming!' Mika said exasperated walking over to Kyo, they boy had no patience what-so ever!

'I'd like to order a king breakfast!' he said with a grin planted on his face, looking as though he had just won an important victory, and Mika could have sworn she saw flames appear behind him

'Ugh, just don't eat it as quickly as last time-okay?' last time was not fun to clean up

'Yeah, Yeah whatever!' he mumbled, flames gone, and went and stood behind Tohru

'What would you like Tohru?' asked Yuki, in his ever pleasant manner

'Ummm, let's see, how about, normal bacon and eggs with buttered toast?' she asked smiling brightly at Mika

'And what would Mister Yuki like?' Mika asked, they were one of the few who were ever so polite, it was a nice change to here from them instead of people like Mustang and Kyo…..

'I'll have the same as Tohru, thanks'

'All right! Table three' and she passed Tohru the number smiling

'Oh, ah just a minute Kyo, I'd like to speak to you!' Mika called

'Ahhh, what is it?' Kyo asked annoyed

'Are you having troubles with Kagrua again?'

'Yeah, she won't leave me alone, she keeps asking me to go to the movies with her, it's so annoying.'

'Hehehehe…' Mika looked as though she suddenly had an evil inspiration

'What?' Kyo asked giving Mika a strange look, the evil aura that had momentarily surrounded her was freaking him out a bit

'Oh it's nothing! You go and await you meal now!' she said brightly laughing a little rubbing the back of her head as Kyo walked off mumbling something about "crazy people"

'I'm sensing you have a plan full of malice to complete.' Charlotte said appearing out of nowhere at the front counter

'What are you talking about?' Mika said faking a look of innocence, it would have scared her, the way Char managed to sneak up on her like that, but she had two years to get used to it, so it no longer disturbed her the way it used to

'The look on you face only moments ago spoke of evil things' Char said mysteriously

This threw Mika off

'What the hell? Are you trying to imitate Hana, and speaking like Shino at the same time?' Man! Char was like a brick wall even at the best of times! She could never figure her out!

'Are you being mean to my worker assistant?' Gaara asked approaching the counter, which did freak Mika out because this guy was a ninja after all, so she could be killed and not even notice until she was already dead, this is why Gaara scared her a little

'N-no! I'm j-just making conversation!' she said backing up a bit.

'Good, I hate to have to take the responsibility of punishing those who bully, into my own hands,' he said boring holes into Mika with his eyes, while she sweat dropped, and began to shuffle backwards into the kitchen, that guy was super creepy….

But for now….. she had business to attend too….

**BirdZilla: **right, now to all you Gaara fans out there, I do realize I have spelt his name wrong for a bit, cuz I was recently reading over the manga, and what-do-you-know, I-am-an-idiot-who-can't-spell-for-crap. So sorry if I caused some offence to the creepy die-hard fans……. And yes Jazz, you cookies are on express delivery and you shall receive them shortly… and as for Char…. You insulted my spelling… so die! No cookies for you!

**Jazz: **yay! Cookies! :)

**Mika: **I'll need some too…. Just cuz I'm not based on a real person doesn't mean I don't have feelings……. or that I go hungry…… T-T

**Char: **Hmph. Just for that I'm gonna do the disclaimer that you so conveniently forgot at the start of this ch, YOU DON"T OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS! OR THEIR PLOT LINE! Except for Char Jazz and Mika….

**BirdZilla: **Curse you…….

**Jazz: **hey….. Where is Gaara anyway? Surely he got out of the trap….?

**Mika: **who cares?

**BirdZilla: **oh, and I'll post the next chapter after this, but until I get a decent amount of reviews, I SHALL POST NO MORE!

**Char: **she doesn't mean that people… she will, and she'll continue to complain like the annoying author she is!

**BirdZilla: **SHUT UP!


	3. Roast Mustang

**BirdZilla: **OKAY! I'm back! And this is a little late… not that anyone is reading this anyway….

**Char: **Oh Waa, Waa.

**BirdZilla: **anyway, here I do the thing where I say I don't own any of the characters, 'sept Char, Jazz and Mika, and potentially the boss… but nobody knows who he is yet….

**Jazz: **hey what's that in the distance?

**BirdZilla: **that is sand

**Mika: **S-sand?

**Char: **yep! 100% chakra filled sand! (Grins from ear to ear rubbing her hands together)

**Mika: **BirdZilla? Please, please tell me that that shelter you made the last time you were attacked by the midget society is still standing?

**BirdZilla: **yes, but it hasn't been in use for three years… why?

**Jazz: **ISN'T IT FREAKING OBVIOUS? GAARA IS COMING TO KILL US!

**BirdZilla: **Oooohhhhhh, right. I suppose that's a good enough excuse (opens a hatch door in front of her feet, Jazz and Mika both dive for the hole)

**Char: **you've got to be kidding me

**BirdZilla: **Char I'm not so sure that you idol will be willing to spare you… but if you'd rather stay outside and miss out on cookies…

**Char: **okay, okay, I'm coming

**BirdZilla: **enjoy the ch!

**Day three, special of the day; Roast Mustang, Er- I mean, Roast pork**

Jazz walked in early that morning with one huge yawn, to find Mika and Kagrua speaking in hushed tones, and giggling every now and then.

'Hellllllllooooooo?' she asked trying to stifle a large yawn, 'What's this? Making new friends Mika?'

'As a matter of fact yes!' Mika said brightly while Kagrua began to grin from ear to ear

'We are gonna make Kyo super supper jealous!' she squealed while Jazz sweat dropped, the girl never ceased to creep her out with her obsessive's

'That's nice, but since we haven't officially opened the shop, can you please wait out side?'

'Okay!' and she bounced out of the door

'…..'

'She has always freaked me out…'

'She means well,' Mika said as she returned to drying some glass cups, Kagrua was a little strange with her mood swings and everything but as long as you stayed on her good side, you'd be okay

'Should I ask why you two were talking? Or is it something that I don't want know?'

Mika winked at Jazz with a wolfish grin, oooohhhh it was fun to be in control of someone's fate!

'It's a surprise; you'll see sometime later today, that is if he follows his timetable like always.' the thing Mika loved about this job, was that everyone was so damn predictable

Then the door opened

'Heh? I locked that! Ah, we are not open yet….' Jazz's voice trailed off as she saw who it was

Standing at the door was Kankuro and Temari of the village hidden in the sand

'OMGOMGOMGOMG! HE FINNALY SENT HIS BROTHER AND SISTER TO KILL US!!!! AHHH! JAZZ HIDE ME!!!!!!' Mika yelled tears running down her face as she clutched at Jazz's shoulders putting her between the two ninjas and herself, she was too young! Far too young!

'Hey!' Jazz said indignantly trying to shake her off, she was not going to be a human shield!

'Ummm….' Kankuro mumbled staring at the two oddly behaving girls

'HEY!' Temari yelled successfully gaining the girls undivided attention

'We came to deliver something to Garra. Where is he?'

'Not here yet....' Jazz offered half heartily

Temari sighed, 'Look, can you just deliver this to him then?' she said holding out a small brown teddy bear

'………………………………….'

It took a moment for the two girls to let this strange and oddly disturbing fact sink in (he carries a teddy bear? WTF? How old is he?)

Both girls stood up to full attention, smirks playing on booth of their faces, oooooohhhhhh this was going to be good

'Okay-'

'No need to worry about it-'

'We'll get it to him without any problems.'

And that small brown teddy bear fell, completely unaware of its situation (duh, it's a stuffed inanimate object), into the hands of two capable malicious girls, bent on getting even with their resident red-head bully

They booth smiled and waved the brother and sister out of the shop

'We have our leverage!' said Jazz happily doing her happy dance

'Leverage says you, I feel a change in the wind, says I!' Jazz blinked at Mika a couple of times frozen in mid-way happy-dance

'You've been watching Pirates again, haven't you?'

'So what?'

'Pirates freak.'

'INUYASHA JUNKIE!'

'TAKE THAT BACK!'

'HELL NO MIDGET!'

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!!???"

"HELL--NO—MIDGET"

'DIE YOU-!'Jazz swung up her hand that held the teddy bear and it went flying into the kitchen, where it hit the magnetic knife rack and fell into the frying pan, and as if that wasn't enough- one of the knives fell off the rack and speared it through the leg

There was an odd silence between the two where you could hear water dripping out of the tap

'Well, I think we should be keeping it in a safe place.'

'Gotcha!' and Jazz hurried off and grabbed the hostage and locked it away in a safe (that conveniently appeared out of nowhere)

*****

Morning breakfast seemed to pass without incident and Garra remained un-suspicious and as cool headed as ever, completely un-aware of the evil plans that were hatching in the girls heads all day long as to how use the leverage to their advantage.

Until lunch (Ahh well, something bad or weird or dramatic has to happen every few hours, or the staff starts to get suspicious and paranoid, which then causes something really bad or dramatic to happen, kind of like those soap operas, if any one reading this is Australian then think home-and-away or neighbors)

'Afternoon Roy, gloves in tray please.'

'Technically its in-between Moring and afternoon,' one Roy Mustang said as he entered the shop

'You seem in a fine, non- annoying mood today, a date perhaps?'

'Hmm, quite the observant one aren't we?'

'Well, I try,' Mika said with a small smile, ooohhhh this was going to be so good….

'You also seem awfully happy today, what happened?'

'It hasn't exactly happened yet, but it is bound to make me happy,'

'Well, that must mean you've worked up the guts to-'

'DAMN IT ROY JUST ORDER AND GO!' She yelled red faced pointing an accusing finger at him

'All's I'm saying is that for a girl like you, you should hurry up and ask already'

'Damn it, how you every found out I'll never……' why, WHY? She was in control only a few moments ago!

'Well my best friend is, after all, head of investigations department,' he said with a charming smile

'Ugh, Hughes, I should have known,' she said pinching the bridge of her nose with a blood vessel pumping on her head

'I'll order when my lovely date gets here.'

"Kay okay,'

Mika watched the distasteful man all the way to his seat, hoping with all her might that her plan to get even will hold painful results for him, so painful that maybe he won't be able to sit comfortably for a week.

Then the door opened and a brown haired beautiful girl walked in shyly looking around, catching the attention of all the male and female occupants of the room (excluding Garra)

'Oh! There you are Roy!' she said, a smile lighting up her face as she walked towards his table

'I'm glad you decided to come Miss Soma.' Roy said in his most pleasant voice as he pulled out her chair for her

'Is- is that Kagrua?' Jazz said her eyes as wide as a dinner plates

'Oh, not at all Roy, and please call me Kagrua' she said smiling warmly at him

'I think I'm gonna puke if this continues' Jazz muttered, 'They are the worst couple imaginable! She's under aged! And what the hell dose she think she's doing? Any closer and POOF! We will have one wild boar on the loose and one- hang on- _"We're gonna make Kyo super supper jealous!" _is this what that was about?'

'Congrats, you finally put to use that unfit muscle they call a brain, and put two and two together! But there's more to it, so don't go puking right now.'

'Hey- I- oh never mind!' she huffed

'Oh look! Here they come!' Mika said cheerfully pointing towards the door where Tohru, Yuki, Kyo and this time U-Chan walked through

The moment they walked in Kagrua shifted gears and started declaring her love and passion for Roy just loud enough so it carried on over to Kyo's line of hearing (he only reacted with an eye twitch) and Roy helped along with more decorative speeches of their love, which was beginning to make the customers ill

But they were all unaware about the hidden recording cameras that Mika had taken the trouble to setting up, and hot wiring to each and every one of Roy's past and present girlfriends.

'I don't see where this is going' Jazz asked as she watched the couple get louder

'Give it a minute- and I promise, there will be results'

'Yo!' said U-Chan holding her fist out for Mika to punch in greeting

'Hey glad you could make it!' Mika said happily

'Yeah, though it took a bit of convincing to get orange top here to come along'

Mika and Jazz laughed at Kyo's angry retaliation

'Well what of it? Can we have today's special?'

'Sure, you guys all okay with that?'

'Yeah, whatever'

'Oh yes!'

'Yes'

'That settles it-' she was interrupted by a loud rumbling that shook the whole of the building

Then the door burst forward and in pored heaps of women who all appeared to be looking for someone

'There he is!' shrieked a blond pointing towards Roy and all the girls surged forward and tried to mob Roy who scrambled out of the way with a look of horror on his face and tried snapping his fingers to put a barrier of fire between him and the angry mob of girls, but of course, he had put his gloves in the weapons tray

'Looking for these Roy?' Mika asked lazily waving the ignition cloth gloves in the air, earning an impressed look from Jazz and an even more horror struck face from Roy, oh yes, payback with a vengeance.

One of the girls ran forward and snatched the gloves out of her hands and shouted on top of her lungs

'Let's set him on fire with his own weapon!' while all the others cheered

'Um, girls, can you continue somewhere else?' asked Mika, and just like that they dragged the yelling and screaming Roy out of the door and out of sight

'……Impressive, but let me in on it next time, okay? Cuz I could have given you many more ideas!' Jazz said a wide grin planted on her face

'Sure thing!'

'You planned all that?' asked U-Chan, 'Hard core!' she said grinning holding her fist up yet again for her to punch

'Yeah I know.' She said smiling back basking in the glory that was hers to bask in

BirdZilla, Jazz, Mika and Char are all sitting in a dimly lit room around a table playing Fish

**Mika: **so, (pauses as the ceiling shakes and dust falls slowly around them) you hid in here for a whole month from the midget society?

**BirdZilla: **yes, yes I did. Vicious little midgets they were, tried to take a chain-saw to my knees, you know, just to make me their height

**Char: **what the hell did you do?

**Jazz: **yeah? You have plenty of friends who are midgets, me being one of them

**BirdZilla: **it was a major misunderstanding, (pauses as the room shakes again) they thought I was a part of the hate midgets club, and it took them a month to realize that they were after the wrong person, my other midget friend was the one who calmed them down, to be honest, I really like the little people! Hey Jazz, you got a seven?

**Jazz: **GODDAMNIT! !!!!!!!!!!!!

**Mika, BirdZilla: **O.o

**Char: **Oh shut it, and everyone please review before BirdZilla goes suicidal

**Mika: **anyone want some dried mango?


	4. The Birthday

**BirdZilla: **Hello everyone! Here is the long awaited fourth chapter (well long awaited for Charlezard and Hutcho…) anyway my little episode with the flood is disappearing bit by bit, and I at least have another four stories that I believe are good enough to maybe make an appearance (I originally had another two but I scrapped them due to crappy plot lines) but do not expect them any time soon as they are still in development…

BUT! The other one, _How to socialize when you never trusted_ (damn, I'm not too good with titles now am I?) will defiantly be continuing… because I'd have two blood-thirsty friends on my door step if I decided to quit it, not that I want to! I actually like that story, lemmy put it this way… a socially screwed up story, where the main OC (a native, not some magical chick that dropped from the sky into the universe of FMA *sarcastic retching*) is trying to get over all her past traumatic events which sadly made her the loner and weirdo she is today… actually I think I better change the blurb that I have for my tale… this one sounds better… ANYWAY before I bore you all to death-

* * *

**Ch four **

**Special of the day, Birthday cake**

"Hey everyone! I'm five minutes late but it couldn't be helped because there was this issue that had the middle of the road blocked up, I think, but I'm not totally sure, that Soul and Maka were having an argument again….. Soooo…?" Jazz paused in mid sentence noticing the lack of people in the room.

"WTF? Is anyone here?????' she called out, this was defiantly creepy, Mika ALWAYS turned up first, WAY before the day started, well Char's absence wasn't totally wrong here, she usually turned up just on time or five minutes late…. And Gaara? Well he didn't seem to have a particular pattern

Speaking of the devil, _literally, _he popped his head out from behind the kitchen doors, fixed that glaring look on Jazz and then moved out of the kitchen shoving something into his pocket on the way

Jazz didn't linger around the counter now that she was sure he was around, and crab walked towards the kitchen keeping him in her sites all the way with her back against the wall, because he seemed… unusually tense and his aura was pretty much screaming murderous intent, and she didn't even want to _think _about what he might have possibly pocketed on the way out….

When she got into the kitchen she pretty much ran into the pantry and grabbed a couple of ingredients and began to create a stir fry out of her nervous and Adrenalin rushed energy

_**OMFG, he looks as though he is going to commit a murder for real today, I mean he usually looks like that, but for freaking Christ's sake! What the hell got him so worked up in the first place??????**_

_**Oh…. Wait…. Maybe he noticed that his teddy bear is missing…**_

Jazz went from verge of nervousness, to full jumping at shadows and shaking like a leaf in a category Five Cyclone*

_**OH MY GOD HE'S GONNA KILL ME!!!! It will be one of those slow deaths in which he'll half kill me then roast me in my own grill and – OMG MIKA AND CHAR ARE MISSING THEY HAVEN'T TURNED UP FOR WORK BECAUSE HE'S ALEADY DISPOSED OF THEM BEFORE I MADE IT TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! **_

By this time Jazz was starting to hyperventilate on the spot frozen and unable to move, even letting her stir fry begin to burn

"_**Holy shit…. He was in the kitchen this morning, and he pocketed something really suspicious when he came out!!! I bet it was the weapon he used to dispose of Char and Mika! !!!!!!**_

Just then the door to the kitchen opened ever so slowly and silently creaking a little making Jazz randomly think that she needed to oil them when she next got the chance

"_**OMG I'M GOING TO DIE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW! WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOUD I DO?"**_

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!"

""

As it turned out it was not Gaara who sneaked into the kitchen, but it was actually none other than Mika, who had crash tacked Jazz screaming happy birthday as she went, causing Jazz to scream because she thought she was going to be stabbed to death by Gaara, which caused the burnt stir fry to fly up into the air along with the pan clatter on the ground, while Mika found her hugging a nearly passed out Jazz.

'Hey what the hell happened?' asked Char who poked her head in the door to observe the scene

'Umm... I'm not actually sure…' Mika said confused as she stood up a clearly dazed and fait Jazz, she never expected Jazz to react like this…

'I think, that maybe she watched a horror movie last night or something? Jazz?' Mika queried but Jazz still seemed un-able to respond in her current situation

'O-Kayyyyyy….. Well anyway the boss bought it, so keep her here till I'm done, and the boss wants to close today in honor of her birthday, and have left the invitations to Gaara, and the decorating to, Mwa*, along with ordering the cake and food"

'What the hell? We are a café! We can make our own food!! And why the hell did he let Gaara do the invitations??? You do realize he only knows people from "Ninja Land"'

Char shrugged and then disappeared

Mika let out a long sigh….. This was going to be a long day, and one of the most confusing for poor old Jazz… she was already half passed out, so hopefully Char won't actually blow this way out of proportion, it was after all the best excuse they could come up with

'Wa-what happened? Ugh… did I pass out??' Jazz mumbled leaning heavily against the counter

'Umm, sort of I guess… anyway I have something to tell you; last night I-

**"HA-HUM! Ah! Good! This is on!"**

Jazz and Mika exchanged looks of bewilderment, who exactly was on the P.A system? Nobody they knew had such a deep voice… unless….

"The Boss?!" they said together

**"Ahha, well now folks! I'd like to make an announcement today! And it's a very important announcement! Yes it is!**

Both Jazz and Mika sweat dropped at their boss's erratic behavior, it was just plain _weird_

**"I have been told today with much surprise that it just happens to be our very own Jazz's birthday! Well a very happy birthday indeed! And as a gift from me the shop will close today so we can have a party! have a good one!"**

Jazz frowned up at the P.A box

'But it's n- MURMMMMFFF!!!' Jazz exclaimed in protest to Mika who had clamped her hand over Jazz's mouth

'Just go along with it, I'll explain later!' Mika said her face dead serious, 'Anyway, care to explain why you blew off my ear not too long ago?'

'Oh… well you were unusually late this morning as was Char in the end, and the only person I saw in the café was Gaara and was coming out of MY kitchen, and possibly shoved the murder weapon in his pocket on the way out'

'Wait- what? A murder weapon? You're not making much sense Jazz, are you sure it was not a scary movie relapse? Ya know, where you couldn't go to sleep afterwards because you're shit scared, thus sleep deprived in the morning you start to hallucinate during the day seeing scenes from the movie?'

'Ah- well what I mean to say is because you are NEVER late I thought something serious had happened and Gaara walked out I was sensing and very large murderous intent well I mean he usually is always throwing that aura but today he was really, really positively spewing that aura like a volcano spews lava and I thought to myself that maybe just maybe he realized that we were keeping his teddy bear from him so I thought he had killed you and char earlier and was getting ready to kill me and then you tackled me and-'

Mika stopped Jazz in her mid-hyper explanation by grabbing her (Jazz's) apron and shoving it in her mouth

'I think I get it now, so do us all a favor and _calm down_' Mika sighed and lent back on the bench and rubbed her aching temples, so Jazz's imagination was running on over drive _again _Christ! Drug dealers would kill to know what she was taking; the only problem was that it was her own imagination

'Wait… you said he pocketed something on his way out of the kitchen, and he never goes into the kitchen unless we are in here, so he can "Bully" us… and you believe he was over angsty today'

Mika stood back up abruptly going as pale as a sheet… maybe… he really did come for the teddy bear… their only one true leverage, which they had yet to put to use on the unspoken terms of letting him suffer without knowing its fate for a little while

Mika grabbed Jazz's hand and dragged her over to where the safe was hidden

To Mika's relief it was still intact and locked, so maybe her just came in here to steal something out of the pantry to eat…

'Hey, what do you reckon made those scratch marks?' Jazz asked pointing to some thin scratches on the side of the safe on either side of the safe's door

Mika's hair began to stand on end, it looked as though someone had gotten some kind of sharp object and was try to force the door to the safe open, but whatever they were using was slipping and scratching the sides, with some force

'You can't be serious… he was trying to force the door open?' Mika asked nobody in particular, her voice rising a couple of octaves as she spoke

'So he did know… but for how long?' Jazz asked her voice less than a whisper

'Maybe he knew the day we received it, but since I'm the first and last to be at work, he never got a chance to get to the safe until today… because I was late by a grand total of twenty-five minutes, when we are _actually _supposed to be at work…'

'My god! The door is almost ripped off! To think he would have achieved his goal if I hadn't turned up! And he must have been pocketing the leaver he was using on the way out of the kitchen, and that would also explain the extra evil aura he was giving off because of his failure attempt to rescue his teddy!'

'You just figured that out?' Mika asked raising her eyebrow at Jazz

'Oh shut up! Just cuz' I'm not as quick to these type of things as you are almighty Sherlock!'

'Ah, thank you but I prefer the title her almighty Highness who sees-all, or-'

'I get it! I get it! You have the biggest ego on the planet! Now care to explain why you were-'

'OI! Birthday girl get out here now!!' Char hollered into the kitchen, before withdrawing her head

For the first time since discovering the safe Jazz and Mika became aware that there was quite a lot of noise coming from the dining area

'Who and how many people do you reckon Gaara invited… I didn't think he had many friends' Jazz said staring at the door

'Well, he doesn't mix with people outside of ninja land, and his main connection there is Naruto…'

'Ooooh crap, In other words Naruto would have done all the inviting… SAVE ME I DON'T WANNA GET KILLED BY A CROWD OF WEIRDO NINJAS!!!' Jazz wailed hugging Mika like she was her life line

'Let go Damn it!' Mika ordered as she fought off Jazz's constricting arms, 'Pull you're self together woman! You only have to face them for a day, just be thankful that they didn't order your birthday cake!'

Jazz had a sudden vision of a huge birthday cake exploding ninja knives or throwing stars all over the place

'Why oh why couldn't the nice people from Card Captor be invited instead…' she wailed crying on her friends shoulder as the kitchen door swung open to reveal the dining area, or what they thought was the dining area, it actually looked like a large streamer bomb had exploded in the room

Then of course there was the crowd, and then the blast of happy birthday from a room filled to the brim of ninjas

There were ninjas fro all over their country, _literally, _the majorities were from the leaf village then the sand, then the mist and so on, and Mika even thought she spotted Ooruchimaru of all people in the crowd

'HEY JAZZ!!!!' Shouted one particular blond hypoactive ninja

'Nnnggghhhh…' was her response

'Gaara asked me to do the invitations because he said he really didn't know of many people, so I went and invited everyone I knew! Believe it!' he shouted happily giving her the thumbs up, completely oblivious to her discomfort

'Ya don't say…' muttered Mika, 'HEY! This is not a BYO event, you should know better than that Fifth!' Mika said furiously staring down the older woman, 'KIBA! Keep Akamaru under control, if I find one-!" Mika continued her rant as she walked over to the guilty looking ninja just as the cake was carried out

It was huge, a three story cake, white with pink frosting and on top was a ton of fizzy candles that were ready to be set alight, and the person carrying it out was none other than… Gai, using only his pinky finger to hold it up right and Jazz had to fight the urge roll her eyes at this sight, the green jumpsuit man was back to attack, such as the saying was.

Now… where is his little follower, she thought looking through the crowd, then out of no-where he jumped into her vision

'Happy birthday Jazz-san and many you have many happier ones to continue!' his sudden appearance caused Jazz to jump backwards and crash into poor old kakashi who accidently spilled his drink on Kisame who lost it and threw his sword Samehada at Kakashi how ducked, and the sword was unfortunately heading for Gai and Shikamaru who was on a stepladder trying to light the candles

Gai threw the cake up in the air and jumped away to avoid it, while the flying cake had caught Shikamaru full in the face throwing him backwards off the chair while his lighter landed on the table cloth, catching fire, meanwhile the cake had landed with an almighty splat on the table where Sakura, Ino, Temari, and Hinata were sitting splattering them and others in range with cake.

Then if that wasn't enough the entire table on which the lighter had landed went up in flames, send everyone into chaos, with the fire alarms going off and the roof sprinklers started up someone had _thankfully _located the fire extinguisher and put out the roaring fire in a matter of seconds, filling the air with while foam. When the fire alarms and the sprinklers had been shut off it was dead silent.

Then-

'THIS IS WHY WEAPONS ARE NOT ALLOWED IN THIS SHOP!!!!' Mika roared

And all of a sudden the ninjas were leaving as fast as they could

* * *

In the end Gaara, Mika and Char were cleaning up the mess they were left with, while Jazz the "birthday girl" just sat and watched

'So will you two tell me exactly what happened today? Or shall I be better off speaking to a brick wall?' Jazz asked raising an eyebrow

'We got up late this 'smorning' yawned Char

'We?' asked Jazz confusion written all over her face

'Mika stayed ova last night, right Mika?'

'Yup, my house's plumbing and electricity broke down yesterday afternoon, and the guys I called to fix it weren't gonna be available till tomorrow, and I only had enough credit to text one person, and since Char lived the closest…' Mika let the sentence trail off in mid air with a shrug that said _figure the rest out by you're self_

'Oh kay… but you both woke up late?'

'Yeah, because of somebody.' Mika said throwing Charlotte a dirty look

Char sighed rubbing the bridge of her nose

'Yes I forgot to turn the buzzer on to wake us up in time to get ready to go.'

'When we came in Jazz, we had only gotten dressed, that's just how late we were, so we needed a cover story so the boss didn't kill us.'

'And so we decided that it was to be you're early birthday, and so I told the boss we were late because we forgot you birthday gifts and had to turn back to get them, and well given the bosses eccentric behavior… well you know the rest…'

'Yes I do… I think… hey wait, do you guys even remember my real birthday?' she said glaring at the two in suspicion

'Yes of course I do!' Mika snapped, unable to handle the concept of being accused for the wrongly, 'It's the ** of the ** of ****'

'Hey! I know that you know! That question was more aimed at Char! I wanted her to answer!'

'Oh but that is so easy Jazz it is the ** of the ** of ****' Char said smugly

'Yes well,' Mika said frowning at the two, 'Have we not all learnt a lesson today?'

'Pointless Paranoia can be bad for your health?' Asked Jazz

'Ninja's make bad birthday guests?' offered Char

'Stealing is bad?' Gaara growled, while both Jazz and Mika froze twitching, it was so easy to forget that the creep was in the room

'Erm, no, though they all are good points… What I was hoping for is that lies will always turn on you in the end.'

'Whatever!' Char said turning away from Mika

'You sometimes make no sense Mika' Jazz said shaking her head

'………' Good old Gaara just glared

Mika sweat-dropped, there was really no getting through to these people, was there?

* * *

**BirdZilla: **I dedicate this ch to my fat, gay and emo cat Balo, to all those who fall into those categories I mean no offense, my cat is just like that naturally, but sometimes he is still totally loveable! Now if you're wondering what happened to the others in the shelter, well frankly, I ditched them. the game of fish had gotten boring and i dug a tunnel to escape then i colasped it so they couldn't follow me, do not try to defy my superior logic for i rule all

now, it would be seriously nice if i could have some feedback on this story REMEMBERING that this is an nonsence story!

please!!!!


	5. A pinch of Black Lagoon

**BirdZilla: **My love goes out to those who reviewed! Free Cyber cookies to you! : D anyway… I do apologize over the lateness of this update, but things came up- sprained my wrist- an avalanche of assignments and tests to study for, then I just completely forgot… err.... yeah… I've babbled on for too long haven't I?

**Chapter Five**

**A pinch of Black Lagoon**

It was one of those easygoing Friday afternoons, the kind where there are plenty of customers- but not enough to make you want to take a cheese grater to your head.

Gaara was over serving some terrified customers while jazz was busying herself with the creation of some superb coffees, meanwhile Char was on her break, sitting on the counter talking to Mika who was attempting to draw a picture of Pikachu from an advertising Poster.

'I mean it's not like we don't like them, it's just that they can be classed as weapons themselves so it's kind of hard to- Ah.' Char stated breaking off from her original conversation

'Ah, What?' Mika asked looking up at Char, who was staring in the direction of the doorway, 'Ah-Shit' Mika said in a monotone a sweat drop appearing on her head. This was so not the best day to come to work, if she had known; she'd have stayed home…

Standing in the door way glaring at Char was none other than Revvy, one of the Black Lagoon company, and she didn't look like she was in a good mood.

'Oh no, not her again! She almost destroyed this place last time!' whined Mika

'What was that? Want me to tear you a new %%#&*!? Eh? Well how about it? Speak up I can't hear ya, ya ^$*&*' She said with a feral snarl as she walked up to the desk

Suddenly the hum of talk in the shop haltered as all the customers stopped what they were doing to watch what was happening; in the space between the conversation you could have heard a pin drop

'This ain't no Yellow Flag idiot two hands; Go home before I cause you some real damage!' Snarled Char leaning forward her eyes narrowed into dangerous slits

Now if this had been said to anyone but Revvy they certainly would have run screaming, because Char's glares look as though they could strangle you with invisible hands, but it was after all Revvy, and nothing could get to that thick headed, trigger happy, blunt and stubborn woman… except maybe Rock…..

'Ya just itching for a blood bath ain't ya?' Revvy said her grin widening as she butted heads with Char, who didn't even flinch

Some of the customers were starting to leave, slowly backing out of the shop, and then bolting into the outside world before the brewing storm could be unleashed in the café

'So sorry to break up the married couples argument; but Revvy, if you are going to stay here you need to put you weapons over there in the weapons bin.'

'WHAT DID YOU CALL US!!' she yelled, causing Mika to jump a foot in the air

'Please….' Mika managed weakly

'ARRGGGHH! FINE!' Revvy stomped over to the bin and slammed her guns in it and turned around again giving Mika such a glared that it caused her flinch back in horror, her left eye twitching

Then the door to the shop opened once again and in walked the worst possible person for this particular situation, Roberta, the hound

'Wholly %^$&! We are in so much trouble if this gets outta hand….' Whimpered Mika

'WELL! Would 'ja look at this! It's the &^#%$*' glasses %*^$&!' Laughed Revvy

'Oh shut it Revvy, you really know how to annoy people don't you? And to think you thought _I_ was looking for a blood bath! Pa-the-tic' Char sounded the last word out in its syllables leaning on the counter supporting her head with her hands, her eyes now lazily assessing the two

'Hey! What's going on?' asked Jazz as she appeared out of the kitchen with two mugs in her hands, only to almost drop then at the sight of the worst possible combination of violent women glaring daggers at each other , and Mika who usually had a handle on the situation, hiding behind the counter

Mika looked up her eyes as wide as dinner plates, with "SAVE ME" written all over her face

'Do not keep calling me that name or I shall remove your tongue and feed it to the dogs!' Roberta snarled her grip on her suit case tightening

'Ahahahahahahahaha! Oh you are so funny I think I might just help you with that! Then I'll make sure that for the next three months she can only eat from a tube inserted in her stomach!' Char cackled evilly, holding her stomach in mirth

'HA! I'll take both of you #&^%*! On and when I'm done with you I'll makes sure you were wishing that your mothers never #^&%-'

The exchanges went on and on from there, each woman getting angrier and angrier by the minute, so much so that they didn't realize that Mika was army crawling towards the kitchen where Jazz was begging to retreat, holding a tray up in front of her chest ready to duck behind it at a moments notice if things got bad.

As soon as they were both behind the kitchen doors Mika started to pile things up against it, to try and reinforce it incase they decided to try and take the violent argument inside the kitchen, while Jazz started to run around the main stove muttering-

'??????' waving her arms up and down in a panicked frenzy

'Stop. Stop! STOP! I SAID STOP GOD DAMNIT! MIKA CHOP!' Mika roared at Jazz bringing her hand up karate style

**THWACK! **

'Oooowww….' Jazz said from her pile of blood spurting on the floor

'Right!' Mika said calmly, 'Now that we are in a safe place from those rabid- trigger-happy demons I must think of a plan to get those girls out of the shop without completely destroying it unlike last time…' Mika held a hand up to her chin and began pacing up and down the kitchen while Jazz went and applied an ice bag to her wounded head

'Since the last incident where we almost died, I have been complying plans of how to get Revvy out of the shop before anything serious happened, but that had only involved Revvy, so since the Hound is here, calling Black lagoon would be useless…. Hmmm, what to do…'

Suddenly above all the noise of the profanities being screamed from the main room, Mika and Jazz heard the door open to the shop.

Mika quickly shoved some of the barricade aside with her foot (none too delicately) and peaked through a crack in the door to see who the visitor was, Jazz meanwhile moped around on the floor holding the ice pack to her head singing "twinkle, twinkle little star"

The very first thing that Mika saw was the three women; who by now all had weapons shoved at each other. Revvy's two hand guns were under both Char's and Roberta's chins while Roberta had her suit case pressed up against Revvy's stomach, and a small hand gun up at Chars temple, while Char had a spork in each hand held up to both their necks. Each were wearing a feral snarl, but had stopped talking, because of the new arrival…. A delivery boy

'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!' all three of them yelled in unison at the poor kid who looked like he wanted to wet himself

'Uh-I-I h-have a-a s-special delivery f-for G-Gaara of t-the Sand' he said holding out a box in his shaking hands

Then out of nowhere Gaara appeared and took the box. He stared at it for one seemingly long mind numbing minute, then opened it

He stared at what ever it was inside

And stared

And stared

And stared

And stared

And stared

And stared

Then out of the blue a person dressed as the famous boy wizard, (whose name we shall not mention due to copyright laws) crashed through the window brandishing a stick and holding a stuffed brown owl in the other hand grinning like an idiot

"I'M *****- ******! Ahahahahaahha - gurk!"

Gaara hadn't even looked up from his "special delivery" but was holding out his left hand in the shape of the fist and was slowly proceeding to strangle the weird-o with his chakra filled sand; the creep began to madly wave his stick around in the air in a pathetic attempt to get free, his legs kicking out like he was trying to do a mid-air breast stroke kick.

Mika quickly shut the door to the kitchen and slid down it beginning to hyperventilate while Jazz, who had gotten over her fractured skull, stood with her hands on her hips shaking her head sadly

'Couldn't even get the color of the owl right… and what an odd sound to make when being strangled too… tsk, well if Gaara didn't get to him the rabid readers would. Oi, what's wrong with you?'

'Delivery- Gaara –so dead –worst possible day- what was I thinking?' Mika didn't look as though she was in this world any longer; her eyes were staring off into the distance, to a place where only the dead ever get to go

'Mika! SNAP OUTTER IT!!' Jazz yelled in panic, she picked up a jug of water and up-ended it's contense on her head

'THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!' Mika yelled, snapping back to reality

'What's going on? What was it that Gaara just received?'

Mika slumped forward, defeated

'It was a stuffed bears arm.'

…

'???????????????'

'Shhhh!' hissed Mika Holding a hand over Jazz's mouth, 'Damnit, if he finds us we are dead!'

'WHAT. WERE. YOU. THINKING?' Jazz demanded

''You weren't here this 'smorning! He had me run around like he owned the place, _"do this, do that, I don't want to mop the floor that's why you are going to do it for me, is that grumbling I hear?" _It was the most terrifying time of my life, so I had to get him back! It was only logical! The more he pushes us around the more body parts will appear! But of course it isn't the real bear, oh no, I'm going to need _all _of its limbs attached, just incase he tries something really bad…'

Mika would have continued her rant if it weren't for Char's voice which cut through the silent atmosphere outside like a knife

'Hate to break it to you Gaara, but killing someone when you are working in here, is actually a crime- even if you are a ninja and even if this weird cos-player is annoying.'

They heard an audible thud, but no spluttering or coughing one would expect from someone almost chocked to death

…

'Is he dead?' asked Revvy

….

….

…

'Someone can clean the mess up later' muttered Char

Meanwhile both Jazz and Mika were sitting with their backs pressed against the kitchen door, not moving, not breathing, trying not to make a single sound least they were heard and Gaara decided that they were next on their list

'Mess?' whispered Mika in a horrified tone

'Clean it up later?' squeaked out Mika

Then all of a sudden the insults were flying again from the girls out side, and then a gun was fired, and the angry yells turned into furious screams

'That's it, get. Out. Now!' commanded Jazz

'What???' exclaimed Mika

'You were the one who brought this double hell on us, so I have the right to kick you out of my safe heaven in case Gaara comes charging through these doors. Now get out or I'll throw you out!'

'No! Please Jazz have mercy! Oh your great highness please don't-'Jazz grabbed the weeping Mika by the color of her shirt opened the kitchen door and threw her out side, then closed it with an audible "click"

'Sight! Oh C-R-A-P!' yelped Mika

It was like a scene from a battle field, there were holes in the walls from bullets, what appeared to be red paint splattered on the walls and a whole lot of _noise. _

Char, Revvy and the Hound had each grabbed their own form of shelter behind various tables and were still yelling at each other the most horrible profanities that shall not be mentioned here, due to offence it may cause others. But I will tell you that Char was right in the middle of giving a detailed report on the "messed up" history of Revvy's family, taking particular interest in describing the impossible circumstances under which she was born, which had cause her to be the messed up person she is today… while loading a RPG, which Mika was still trying to come to terms with how she got her hands on it

Meanwhile Gaara was still standing where he was before and much the same could be said for the still form of the boy wizard cos-player.

Then, slowly Gaara's head began to turn, and he evoked the death glare to top all death glares onto Mika, whose blood drained from her face in horror

Gaara began to stalk towards her, murderous intent blasting from all angles of his body, radiating off him like a personal aura

And just when she thought her life was over, Mika hear a voice that seemed to come out of the very depths of all things good and holy, but of course any voice that could get Gaara to momentarily pause would have seemed to have come from heaven to her

'WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??' yelled the voice, causing Char Revvy and the hound to cease fire and all verbal abuse

Then the shop dimmed until a spotlight lit up the doorway as though it were center stage of some kind of crazy, crack fanfiction that had not real plot. Purple sparkles shined so brightly that they momentarily blinded Mika and the others, then they all saw the shining well muscle defined giant man, who was followed by his own entourage of purple sparklers, and that one perfectly, well curled tuffet of blond hair on his forehead

By now if no one in the shop, or on-lookers had realized who it was, they had never experienced _real _fear, but of course they all _did_ know who it was they were facing

'IN THE NAME OF ALEX LOUISE ARMSTRONG, THE STRONG-IN-THE-ARM-ALCHEMIST I COMMAND THIS ALL TO STOP AT ONCE!' he commanded, striking a pose, his shirt flying off in the process, as though it couldn't bear to contain that much weirdness much longer

Everyone did stop. Char was trying to make herself as small as possible while Revvy was openly staring at him, her mouth open in wonder. Gaara… well we all know Gaara has only two facial functions- neutral and pissed off, I'll let you decide which one he's using. The Hound was glaring at him for interrupting their fight, but was unable to shoot him down, due to the fact that she was still trying to come to the terms with the fact that this type of man actually existed

Mika hadn't moved, in the hope that if she didn't move, he wouldn't see her. Nothing could be heard from the kitchen, it seemed that Jazz had either fled or was frozen in her horror, the flashbacks of what happened last time this man had come to town replaying in her head

'WHAT'S THIS?' Alex said his attention turning on Mika, who let out a noise that sounded like someone had trodden on a mouse

'A POOR LADY IN DISTRESS? I SHALL COMFORT YOU WITH MY RADIENT DISPLAY OF MUSCULAR POWER!' he announced moving closer to her, flexing his muscles expertly, while Mika was trying to escape, beating her hands on the door on the kitchen screaming-

'Letmeinletmeinletmein! PLEASEFORTHELOVEOFGODITBURNS!!!'

Revvy suddenly took this as her cue to leave, though she stopped at the front door, long enough to give Char and the Hound the finger while sticking her tongue out at them. Then the Hound quickly followed, and disappeared without so much as a backwards glance, her maid skirt swishing around her legs at the briskness of her pace

Then while Armstrong had moved onto his "Hugging treatment" Gaara surprisingly go up and left, cradling the box that supposedly held his teddy's paw to his chest, slamming the door behind him

Now it was that Char was stuck between a rock and a hard place, she had a choice of staying in hiding hoping to god that Armstrong didn't find her, or risk exposure to him while trying to escape

But she never got to choose, Armstrong found her midway through giving Mika a Bone crushing hug, and let out a delighted exclamation when he saw her and grabbed her in a hug as well

'CHARLOTTE IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!!'

' oooooooooooooooooo OOOOOFFFFFFFFFF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

While all this was happening the back door to the kitchen opened out into the alleyway where Jazz made her escape. She paused looking back at the shop, an apologetic look on her face

'Sorry guys, but I'm all of a sudden not feeling well, so I've got permission to go home…' and she walked off down the alley humming the super Mario tune

**BirdZilla: **well, here you all are, and I am, again VERY sorry for the long wait! And I'll try not to do it again! Oh and incase you haven't read/watched Black Lagoon, inside Roberta's suite case in a powerful Mother *&^%$# gun. Oh and this was actually hard to write, why? Because Black Lagoon is more of a black humor.. Whereas this is a light hearted crack fic.

_A sudden beeping comes from a machine next to BirdZilla_

**BirdZilla: **Oh! Hello! I have a message that appears to be written in Morse cod! It reads-

WHERE ARE YOU STOP

PLEASE SAVE US FROM GAARA STOP

HE HAS ALMOST BROKEN INTO THE SHELTER STOP

CHARLOTTE WANTS TO LET HIM IN STOP

WHERE ARE YOU STOP

**BirdZilla: **huh, that hardly makes sense, I can't imagine who that is from…

_Scrunches up paper and throws it into bin_

Until next time peoples! PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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